Thanks for visiting. It’s been a while.
The last six weeks, my health has taken an unexpected turn for the worse.
Many people with mTBI or other long-term illnesses understand. Things were going okay, holding steady. I wasn’t able to do all I wanted, but there was a sense that on the horizon, someday soon, I could hope for more. And then suddenly I’m in free fall.
Regardless of what I do, it is too much. Regardless of how little I do, my symptoms get worse. Regardless of how much I want it to be different, it just fucking isn’t.
I don’t know why. That’s not quite true – I do know why. I know it is because a 29 oz. can of Hunts tomato sauce fell on my head in January.
Human beings want a world full of cause and effect. I do this, and I feel this way. I don’t do that, and I feel that way. I want to live in that world. But long-term injury just isn’t that way. How can I have two and a half days off work, and wake up after an excellent night’s sleep without the clarity to drive? I feel cloudy, absent minded, and I know I am not focused enough to keep myself alive behind the wheel of a car. Then, instead of saying the wrong word ever few sentences as has become my life again, I find myself making random sounds for the missing nouns or adjectives. No longer the wrong words. Just sounds. Not even sounds similar to the words I mean. That’s scary.
The deterioration of my physical and mental abilities means I’ve fallen off the face of the earth, temporarily. Over the last six weeks, I’ve shrunk my activities again and again trying to find the point where my life and functionality balance. So far working six hours a week total, taking two hour naps every day, and giving up all of my hobbies and out-of-the-house socializing hasn’t made things balance out. Hopefully it will some day soon, because I can’t think of much else I can give up.
The great thing about living in a finite, physical world is that – eventually – I’ll have to hit the ground. There is always an end to the decline of a circumstance, the pain of a loss, the worsening of an experience. At some point, things will steady out and I can again begin the long process of creating a life for myself. When will it happen? Who the heck knows – I sure don’t. But it will.
Until then, may your spring be beautiful and your life be full of love. Blessed be.