Running Out of Time

Something happened three days ago, in the afternoon.  It was quite unexpected, inexplicable, from nowhere.  I began to feel a sense of urgency.  I began to feel like change was coming.  For the first time in a year, I felt like there was a deadline for this period of my life, an ending.

hourglass

To me, that means I need to write as many stories as I can about what it was like to be concussed this past year.  I need to put words to my experience, take the time to reach back and back to remember what being mentally damaged was like, tie things up with a string so I feel like I have done what I can do.

It makes sense, in a way.  Right now, I am straddling two worlds – the world of the injured, and the world of the functional.  Mary and I went out to dinner last night, and then to a play.  I lasted until the last ten minutes of the play, and then moved into a concussed glaze.  That, ladies and gentleman, is a workable experience.  I am no longer trapped in can’t-do, finding every action blocked by my physical and mental limitations.

The brain failing to record or retain information is one symptom of brain injury. I actually do not remember most of my time over the past year – at least prior to 2 1/2 months ago.  I believe ghosts of experience are still there, however, hidden in my mind.  I have a few notes to jog my memory, Mary to remind me of whole swaths of time I have forgotten, google calendar that I kept up through this experience.

The next two weeks I plan to write every day, striving to capture my past before it is gone.  I might not publish much, but I will be thinking and working on my story.  Wish me luck.

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One Response to Running Out of Time

  1. velvetpuzzle says:

    Straddling the functional and injured worlds is something I’ve been contemplating a lot. How one of the interesting things about that dual experience is how it goes up and down…somedays I live primarily in “functional” land…other days primarily in “injured.” And there’s no way to have a forecast. i can’t check braininjury.com and see what next Saturday will be like in order to plan things. So often I make plans and end up rescheduling. So often I don’t make plans, specifically because I don’t want to reschedule more things. It’s hard to balance participating in life wherever and whenever I can vs. keeping some sort of sane schedule that acknowledges my limitations in energy and processing power. Making plans becomes anxiety ridden because of the tension around not knowing if I can actually keep them.

    I too have the urge to record what happens so I can at least go back and tell myself the story–reminds me of Drew Barrymore’s character in 50 First Dates. More and more I remember it now, even without the writing. Here’s to progress, and that wonderful sense of having a deadline.

    Like

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